Things That Annoy Me—Today
As those of you who have followed me may realize by now that every day I face a new annoyance. As my son said, I live to complain. Do you know that pessimists are more realistic and thus know how to grab fun when they see it, which makes them more positive than an optimist? Is that true? Who the hell knows, but I choose to believe it.
Okay, first annoyance, which will actually segue-way into two misbegotten uses of the English language. I’m sure those of you who have learned any language have been told that to write clearly you must be able to think clearly.
If A follows B, then C must surely follow. Okay, I got a C in logic, but it went something like that. However, having a coherent string of thoughts and putting them down on paper should be within anyone’s grasp.
Except who has coherent thoughts anymore when a simple emoji will do? Why express ourselves in words when we can simply send an eggplant. (That’s supposed to mean something. The only thing I know about eggplants is I get a rash when I peel them. Is this relevant to the emoji?)
There comes a time in everyone’s life when he or she has to write clearly—like, say you’re a director of a senior living community. Unfortunately, clarity wasn’t the case when the director of my husband’s community sent out his weekly communication.
In assisted living, all meals are covered. However the director’s message indicated that my husband would have to pay extra if he wanted “Always Available,” their menu of standards. Well, this was new. Yet another charge on a bill that’s constantly growing?
When I questioned the director, due to what I considered a new rip off, he simply forwarded my email to someone else in the organization. That’s what it means to take responsibility for sloppy communication. The issue was cleared up via a phone call. Obviously, a written answer would be too difficult to manage.
The second instance of unholy use of the English language happened in a restaurant setting. The menu listing was so unclear that my daughter thought potatoes and broccoli came with her meal, no up-charge. Maybe that was because it was delivered cold?
It turns out that, no, there was a six dollar charge for the side dish. But my daughter showed the waitress the menu listing, which was akin to a legal document with whereofs and so forths, and said, “You mean, I’m being charged $10 for two eggs and wheat toast?” Six dollars was taken off the bill, and we will consider never going there again.
R U OK. Or wait, shouldn’t there just be a thumbs up instead of “OK?” What the fuck, people! “Are you okay?” See how simple that is and how simple you look when you use “r” and “u” for perfectly good English words? That’s for those of you who speak English and write English, allegedly.
Now, I have just gotten used to using “catalog” instead of the more correct “catalogue.” Also, the god awful “donut” instead of “doughnut.” Are we going to start using so many contractions that we’ll soon devolve into ughs and grunts and finger pointing? Didn’t language develop for a reason? Like communicating with one another?
Hold on, I think I’m in ab fib. Yeah, you figure that one out.
Now, I know we all have to get with the times and the times obviously are molding the English language into a shape I no longer care to recognize. But ask yourself: What would Shakespeare think? You know. He wrote all those plays and poems? Could he make iambic pentameter out of “r u ok?”
Sigh. Go in peace, my friends.